God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
