I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
