Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
