That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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