I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
