winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
