Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish you could order shots online.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
