I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
