Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
