god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
