Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
