sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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