too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
