thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
True strength comes from lack of pants
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
