3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
