hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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