there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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