Cold hands, warm shart.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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