I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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