I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
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Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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