Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
