my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize