I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
