Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
