Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
