Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We left the knife in your bed.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
