I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
