my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
