You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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