I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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