My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
