That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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