I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
