I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
