did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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