I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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