Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the condom got lost in my hair
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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