My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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