ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
