He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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