Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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