I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
