lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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