What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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