There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
