It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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