Don't you send me to vm
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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