My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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