Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my phone needs a breathalizer
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
