Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
