Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
