i jhust puked up my retainher.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
