awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
