i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She tied me up with her honor cords...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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