i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
