What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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