It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
FUCK WHALES
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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