I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
