My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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