I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
